Not Enough-ness
I failed to mention before, that a conversation with a friend and colleague a few weeks back is what solidified the idea of a blog post about being too much. As we delved into this discussion, Niki explained how she has struggled with the opposite problem her entire life. We talk frequently about how God has blessed us with a friendship that allows us to learn from our differences and celebrate our similarities. This week, Niki is our guest writer, and I have a feeling many of you will resonate with her. We would love to hear about your own experiences. Feel free to leave a comment or email me at welcome@thecurioustamijgray.com. I will share your thoughts with Niki as well! With no further ado--welcome Niki Banning!
A few weeks ago, I received a text from my daughter. Was she “too much?”
Reading that text just about broke this momma’s heart. And it spurred conversation around identity with my friend, Tami. You see, Tami had also struggled with feeling or being labeled as “too (fill in the blank)” for most of her life. And so–she was inspired to write a blog about it.
(Here’s that link. It’s a must-read.)
Growing up, I don’t remember hearing or feeling I was “too much.” In fact, I’m here with the other side of that coin.
Not quite enough. Too quiet. Too small. Unheard. Unseen. Unworthy.
I remember feeling these things early in life. Deeply. And painfully. I felt them when my dad left our family when I was eight years old. I experienced those emotions to my core as middle school best friends jokingly told me I would never be the kind of person “that” guy would want as a girlfriend. I heard those words spoken over me in an early teen relationship. Then again after divorce. I’ve encountered those feelings lately when my voice was not loud enough to be heard over the din of bigger personalities and louder words.
Not enough. You are not seen. You are not heard.
(Side note: There is no blame here; simply recognition of how these circumstances affected my own thoughts of who I am.)
But. I have a God who has pursued me relentlessly–so I could unlearn those feelings of unworthiness, of not-enoughness. So I could begin to embrace all of the ‘me-ness’ He created and instilled in me. So I could learn to receive and honor His great love over me. So I could respond to the call as His worthy daughter; a daughter of the Most High King.
He brought friends and coaches into my life, speaking affirmations of my identity in Christ. Holy Spirit began pouring scripture over my heart, changing me.
Jeremiah 31:3(NIV), a magnificent reminder of His bigger-than-life love for us: “I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with unfailing kindness.”
Understanding of His intentional creation of me–from the very beginning. “I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. Psalm 139:14 (ESV)
And the real game-changer for me:
Isaiah 30:18 (NIV) Yet the LORD longs to be gracious to you; therefore he will rise up to show you compassion. For the LORD is a God of justice. Blessed are all who wait for him!
This thought stirred my mind and brought peace to my soul. His heart longs to be gracious to me; to be compassionate and loving. Even when I’m full of doubts and feel I have nothing to offer. I can rest, knowing His love for me is greater.
And it is for you, too.
He’s the God who sees you. “Then she called the name of the Lord who spoke to her, “You are a God who sees me”; for she said, “Have I even seen Him here and lived after He saw me?” - Genesis 16:13 (NASB)
“When the righteous cry for help, the LORD hears and delivers them out of all their troubles.” - Psalm 34:14.
He hears you.
So, friend–when you feel the “not enoughness” this world can bring, I encourage you to keep your eyes focused on Him. Search His Word for verses to cling to when “those” feelings creep in and speak of your unworthiness.
He sees you. He hears you. In Him, you are more than enough.
