The Avalanche
There are times I am fearful of the future to the point it paralyzes me.
I imagine a future where I am no longer here and have nothing to show for my time here. I’m also fearful of doing anything significant–which seems so counterintuitive.
Fear of success can take over my life if I am not careful, causing all the hopes and dreams placed inside me to wither away. The hopes and dreams may shrivel up to mere hulls, but they never disappear completely. If they disappeared completely, I would have peace—I would no longer know the dreams inside which are unfulfilled, and they could no longer haunt me.
But–instead of disappearing, the dreams remain as a memorial to what could have been and could be still. If only. If only I would get my act together. If only I were more disciplined. If only I were a better Christian. If only I were stronger. I tend to believe that my seemingly small concerns are too small for a mighty God. If I were a better Christian, I could accomplish these goals within my own strength. Right?
Maybe, in a way, I am apologizing for needing Him and I do the bare minimum to keep from asking too much of Him. While my initial thought was that this was a silly idea, I was reminded by a friend that being human is not silly. It may be frustrating at times, but these are the exact situations that help us learn and grow closer to God. I can accomplish none of this in my strength. I can’t take one more breath or step today if I don’t rely on God.
All of this is simply one enormous ball of procrastination. Whatever keeps me from moving forward because moving forward means something new and something new means progress and this is where my brain short circuits. To some, progress means exciting. It means fresh adventures new accomplishments and new horizons to shoot for.
To me? To me, progress sometimes means more, which means more overwhelm. One step at a time is a foreign concept to me. Taking one step should be no big deal, but taking one step begins a snowball effect I may not be able to control. And that snowball is terrifying. I don’t see one snowflake, one beautiful snowflake to cherish and enjoy. I see an avalanche. All the snowflakes coming together to wipe out the entire mountainside.
Today, while the avalanche threatened to roll right over me someone very important in my life reminded me “it’s ok to be nervous but don’t let it stop you” and another said, “be KIND to yourself.” Today, it took a couple of strong women to help me stop the avalanche. Their kindness and wisdom helped me see the snowflakes again. The beauty of these women revealed more beauty. I took a deep breath and found peace again.
I look around and I see you. I see you enjoying all that life offers. The emotions, experiences, dreams, plans, friendships, and rewards for hard work. I see the harvest of these things in your life. Each one of these snowflakes is beautiful all by themselves, yet abundantly glorious all together.
Do you see them also? Or do you see the avalanche? If you don’t have women in your life like I mentioned, then please use the wise words of those in mine and keep going and find kindness for yourself along the way.
The question is not if the avalanches will come–they frequently do.
The question becomes, will we trust God with the avalanche?
